C. H. Herford and Percy Simpson (eds), Ben Jonson, Vol. 3: The Tale of a Tub; The Case is Altered; Every Man in his Humour; Every Man out of his Humour
Act i. Scene ii.
Sogliardo, Carlo Bvffone, Macilente. NAy looke you Carlo: this is my Humour now! 2I haue land and money, my friends left me well, and Critical Apparatus3I will be a Gentleman, whatsoeuer it cost me.Critical Apparatus4
Car. A most gentleman-like resolution.pg 444 Critical Apparatus5
Sog. Tut, and I take an humour of a thing once, I am Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus6like your taylors needle, I goe through: but, for my name, 7Signior, how thinke you? will it not serue for a gentlemans 8name, when the Signior is put to it? Ha?9
Car. Let me heare: how is't?10
Sog. Signior Insulso Sogliardo: me thinkes it sounds 11well.Critical Apparatus12
Car. O excellent! tut, and all fitted to your name, you 13might very well stand for a gentleman: I know many 14Sogliardos gentlemen.Critical Apparatus15
Sog. Why, and for my wealth I might be a Iustice of 16Peace.Editor’s Note17
Car. I, and a Constable for your wit.18
Sog. All this is my Lordship you see here, and those 19Farmes you came by.20
Car. Good steps to gentility too, mary: but Sogli-21ardo, if you affect to be a gentleman indeede, you must Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus22obserue all the rare qualities, humours, and complements 23of a gentleman.Critical Apparatus24
Sog. I know it, Signior, and if you please to instruct, 25I am not too good to learne, Ile assure you.Critical Apparatus26
Car. Inough sir: Ile make admirable vse i'the proiec-27tion of my medicine vpon this lumpe of copper here. Ile Critical Apparatus28bethinke me, for you sir.Critical Apparatus29
Sog. Signior, I will both pay you, and pray you, and Critical Apparatus30thanke you, and thinke on you.
Cord. Is not this purely good?Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus32
Macil. Sbloud, why should such a prick-eard hine as this,
pg 44533Be rich? Ha? a foole? such a transparent gull
34That may be seene through? wherefore should he haue land,
Critical Apparatus35Houses, and lordships? O, I could eate my entrailes,
36And sinke my soule into the earth with sorrow.Critical Apparatus37
Car. First (to be an accomplisht gentleman, that is, Editor’s Note38a gentleman of the time) you must giue o're house-keeping 39in the countrey, and liue altogether in the city amongst Critical Apparatus40gallants; where, at your first apparance, 'twere good you 41turn'd foure or fiue hundred acres of your best land into Critical Apparatus42two or three trunks of apparel (you may doe it without going Critical Apparatus43to a coniurer) and be sure, you mixe your selfe stil, with such Editor’s Note44as flourish in the spring of the fashion, and are least Critical Apparatus45popular; studie their carriage, and behauiour in all; learne Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus46to play at Primero and Passage, and (euer when you lose) Critical Apparatus47ha' two or three peculiar othes to sweare by, that no man Critical Apparatus48else sweares: but aboue all, protest in your play, and Critical Apparatus49affirme, Vpon your credit; As you are a true gentleman (at Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus50euery cast) you may doe it with a safe conscience, I warrant 51you.Critical Apparatus52
Sog. O admirable rare! he cannot choose but be 53a gentleman, that ha's these excellent gifts: more, more, I 54beseech you.Critical Apparatus55
Car. You must endeuour to feede cleanly at your Editor’s Note56Ordinarie, sit melancholy, and picke your teeth when 57you cannot speake: and when you come to Playes, be Editor’s Note58humorous, looke with a good startch't face, and ruffle your Critical Apparatus59brow like a new boot; laugh at nothing but your owne Critical Apparatus60iests, or else as the Noblemen laugh. That's a speciall grace 61you must obserue.pg 446 62
Sog. I warrant you, sir.Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus63
Car. I, and sit o'the stage, and flout: prouided, you 64haue a good suit.Critical Apparatus65
Sog. O, I'le haue a suit only for that, sir.67
Sog. Lies! no Signior, I shall not neede to doe so, Critical Apparatus68I haue kinred i'the city to talke of: I haue a neece is a Critical Apparatus69marchants wife; and a nephew, my brother Sordidos 70sonne, of the Innes of Court.Critical Apparatus71
Car. O, but you must pretend alliance with Courtiers 72and great persons: and euer when you are to dine or suppe Editor’s Note73in any strange presence, hire a fellow with a great chaine Critical Apparatus74(though it be copper it's no matter) to bring you letters, 75feign'd from such a Noble man, or such a Knight, or such Critical Apparatus76a Ladie, To their worshipfull, right rare, and noble qualified Critical Apparatus77friend or kinsman, Signior Insulso Sogliardo, giue your selfe 78stile enough. And there (while you intend circumstances Critical Apparatus79of newes, or enquiry of their health, or so) one of your Editor’s Note80familiars (whom you must carry about you still) breakes Critical Apparatus81it vp (as 'twere in a iest) and reades it publikely at the 82table: at which, you must seeme to take as vnpardonable Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus83offence, as if he had torne your Mistris colours, or breath'd 84vpon her picture; and pursue it with that hot grace, as if Critical Apparatus85you would aduance a challenge vpon it presently.Critical Apparatus86
Sog. Stay, I doe not like that humour of challenge, it Critical Apparatus87may be accepted; but I'le tell you what's my humour now: Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus88I will doe this. I will take occasion of sending one of my 89suites to the Taylors to haue the pocket repaired, or so; Critical Apparatus90and there such a letter, as you talke of (broke open and pg 44791all) shall be left: O, the Taylor will presently giue out what Critical Apparatus92I am, vpon the reading of it, worth twentie of your Gallants.93
Car. But then you must put on an extreme face of 94discontentment at your mans negligence.95
Sog. O, so I will, and beat him too: I'le haue a man 96for the purpose.97
Macil. You may; you haue land and crownes: O 98partiall fate!99
Carl. Masse well remembred, you must keepe your Critical Apparatus100men gallant, at the first, fine pyed liueries, laid with good 101gold lace, there's no losse in it, they may rip't off and 102pawne it, when they lacke victuals.Critical Apparatus103
Sog. By'r Ladie, that is chargeable Signior, 'twill bring 104a man in debt.105
Car. Debt? why, that's the more for your credit sir: 106it's an excellent policy to owe much in these daies, if you 107note it.108
Sog. As how good Signior? I would faine be a 109Polititian.Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus110
Car. O! looke where you are indebted any great Critical Apparatus111summe, your creditor obserues you with no lesse regard, Critical Apparatus112then if hee were bound to you for some huge benefit, and Critical Apparatus113will quake to giue you the least cause of offence, lest he Critical Apparatus114loose his money. I assure you (in these times) no man has Critical Apparatus115his seruant more obsequious and pliant, then gentlemen Critical Apparatus116their creditors: to whom if (at any time) you pay but Critical Apparatus117a moitie, or a fourth part, it comes more acceptedly, then 118if you gave 'hem a new-yeares gift.Critical Apparatus119
Sog. I perceiue you, sir: I will take vp, and bring my 120selfe in credit sure.Critical Apparatus121
Car. Mary this, alwaies beware you commerce not with pg 448Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus122bankrupts, or poore needie Ludgathians: they are impudent 123creatures, turbulent spirits, they care not what violent 124tragedies they stirre, nor how they play fast and loose with Critical Apparatus125a poore gentlemans fortunes, to get their owne. Mary, these 126rich fellowes (that ha' the world, or the better part of it, 127sleeping in their counting-houses) they are ten times more Critical Apparatus128placable, they; either feare, hope, or modestie, restraines 129them from offering any outrages: but this is nothing to 130your followers, you shall not run a penny more in arrerage Critical Apparatus131for them, and you list your selfe.Editor’s Note132
Sog. No? how should I keepe 'hem then?Critical Apparatus133
Car. Keepe 'hem? Sbloud let them keepe themselues, 134they are no sheepe, are they? What? you shall come in Critical Apparatus135houses, where plate, apparrell, iewels, and diuers other Critical Apparatus136pretie commodities lye negligently scattered, and I would Editor’s Note137ha' those Mercuries follow me (I trow) should remember 138they had not their fingers for nothing.Critical Apparatus139
Sog. That's not so good, me thinkes.Critical Apparatus140
Car. Why, after you haue kept 'hem a fortnight, or so, 141and shew'd 'hem ynough to the world, you may turne 'hem Critical Apparatus142away, and keepe no more but a boy, it's ynough.Critical Apparatus143146
Car. Why, now you ride to the citie, you may buy one, 147Ile bring you where you shall ha' your choise for money.Critical Apparatus148
Sog. Can you, sir?Critical Apparatus149
Car. O, I: you shall haue one take measure of you, Critical Apparatus150and make you a Coat of armes, to fit you of what fashion 151you will.pg 449 Critical Apparatus152
Sog. By word of mouth, I thanke you, Signior; Ile be Critical Apparatus153once a little prodigall in a humour, i'faith, and haue a most 154prodigious coat.Critical Apparatus155
Maci. Torment and death! breake head and braine at once,
156To be deliuer'd of your fighting issue.
157Who can endure to see blinde Fortune dote thus?
158To be enamour'd on this dustie turfe?
Critical Apparatus160I could runne wild with griefe now, to behold
161The ranknesse of her bounties, that doth breed
Editor’s Note162Such bull-rushes; these mushrompe gentlemen,
Critical Apparatus163That shoot vp in a night to place, and worship.164
Car. Let him alone, some stray, some stray.Critical Apparatus165
Sog. Nay, I will examine him before I goe, sure.Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus166
Car. The Lord of the soile ha's al wefts, and straies 167here? ha's he not?Critical Apparatus168
Sog. Yes, sir.Critical Apparatus169
Car. Faith, then I pitty the poore fellow, he's falne into 170a fooles hands.171
Sog. Sirrah, who gaue you commission to lye in my 172lordship?173
Maci. Your lordship?Critical Apparatus174
Sog. How? my lordship? doe you know me, sir?Critical Apparatus175
Maci. I doe know you, sir.Critical Apparatus176
Car. S'heart, he answeres him like an eccho.Critical Apparatus177
Sog. Why, who am I, Sir?179
Car. The Periphrasis of a foole; Ile obserue this better.Critical Apparatus180
Sog. That fortune fauours? how meane you that,
181friend?pg 450 Critical Apparatus182
Maci. I meane simply. That you are one that liues 183not by your wits.Editor’s Note184
Sog. By my wits? No sir, I scorne to liue by my wits, Critical Apparatus185I. I haue better meanes, I tell thee, then to take such base Critical Apparatus186courses, as to liue by my wits. Sbloud, doest thou thinke 187I liue by my wits?Critical Apparatus188
Maci. Me thinkes, Iester, you should not relish this 189well.190
Car. Ha? does he know me?191
Maci. Though yours bee the worst vse a man can put Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus192his wit to, of thousands, to prostitute it at euery tauerne 193and ordinarie; yet (mee thinkes) you should haue turn'd 194your broad side at this, and haue beene readie with an Critical Apparatus195Apologie, able to sinke this hulke of ignorance into the 196bottome, and depth of his contempt.Critical Apparatus197
Car. Sbloud 'tis Macilente! Signior, you are Critical Apparatus198well encountred, how is't? O, we must not regard what hee Editor’s Note199saies man, a trout, a shallow foole, he ha's no more braine 200then a butter-flie, a meere stuft suit, he looks like a mustie 201bottle, new wickerd, his head's the corke, light, light. I am Critical Apparatus202glad to see you so well return'd, Signior.Critical Apparatus203
Maci. You are? Gramercie, good Ianvs.204
Sog. Is he one of your acquaintance? I loue him the 205better for that.206
Car. Gods precious, come away man, what doe you Critical Apparatus207meane? and you knew him as I doe, you'ld shun him, as 208you'ld doe the plague?Critical Apparatus209
Sog. Why, sir?Editor’s Note210
Car. O, hee's a black fellow, take heed on him.Critical Apparatus211
Sog. Is he a Scholler, or a Souldier?212
Car. Both, both; a leane mungrell, he lookes as if he pg 451Critical Apparatus213were chap-falne, with barking at other mens good fortunes: 214'ware how you offend him, he carries oile and fire in his pen, Critical Apparatus215will scald where it drops: his spirit's like powder, quick, Critical Apparatus216violent: hee'le blow a man vp with a jest: I feare him Critical Apparatus217worse then a rotten wall do's the cannon, shake an houre Critical Apparatus218after, at the report. Away, come not neere him.Critical Apparatus219Critical Apparatus222225
Maci. I, when I cannot shun you, we will meet.
Critical Apparatus226'Tis strange! of all the creatures I haue seene,
Editor’s Note227I enuie not this Bvffon, for indeede
Critical Apparatus228Neither his fortunes, nor his parts deserue it:
Critical Apparatus229But I doe hate him, as I hate the deuill,
230Or that brasse-visag'd monster Barbarisme.
231O, 'tis an open-throated, black-mouth'd curre,
Critical Apparatus232That bites at all, but eates on those that feed him.
233A slaue, that to your face will (serpent-like)
234Creepe on the ground, as he would eate the dust;
Critical Apparatus235And to your backe will turne the taile, and sting
Critical Apparatus236More deadly then a scorpion: Stay, who's this?
Critical Apparatus237Now for my soule, another minion
238Of the old lady Chance's: I'le obserue him.
- What true stich sister? both your sides alike?
- Be of a sleighter worke.
Sli. Your playster'd face doth drop against moist weather.
Sha. Fie, how you writh it; now it looks just like
A ruffled boot.
- Thenk ek Fortune, as wel thy-selven wost,
- Helpeth an hardy man to his emprise.