George Villiers, second duke of Buckingham

Robert D. Hume and Harold Love (eds), Plays, Poems, and Miscellaneous Writings associated with George Villiers, Second Duke of Buckingham, Vol. 1

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Act: 2. Scene I.

Enter Vapor, Slaunder, Finical and Trim.
1

Fini. If you please Gentlemen to fix your scituation in this 2roome, I will contrive a way to have the Ladies passe by.

3

Vap. Madam you oblige us, and you shall find us persons that 4have a generous promptitude to expresse their gratitude.

5

Fin. Most daintily spoken yfaith.

6

Trim. This fantastical jade for a few new coind words would Editor’s Note7take the Strapado— aside.

8

Slau. Madam you need not doubt, but we that receive our 9happines from you, must ever be sollicitous of your felicity.

Editor’s Note10

Fin. I swear your Generosities confound me in a Labyrinth-11ious amaze, but I am proud to serve the Ornaments of our 12Nation.

13

Vap. Madam tis your goodnes—we will wait here in obedience 14to your comands.

15

Fin. Omit not the opportunity as they passe by—I doubt not Editor’s Note16but the litle Archer will hit them at the first sight of such 17amiable objects; your servant in all transcendent obedience.

exit Finical
pg 272 Editor’s Note18

Slau. She was damd tœdious.

19

Vap. O pox confound her orations.

20

Trim. Hark yee my noble customers, as I take it, Trim that Critical Apparatus21now seems forgotten, was the first mover of this designe; but 22promises are turnd over to Mrs Finicall.

23

Vap. Ha ha ha.

24

Trim. Why so merry?

25

Sla. Ha ha ha.

26

Trim. The jest I beseech you.

27

Vap. Why thou art the jest Trim, why canst thou fancy that 28wee mean to give this formal Bawd any thing.

Critical Apparatus29

Trim. What d'yee not?

30

Vap. Yes, may be we may purchase a large Suffolk Cheese to 31whet her gums, and swear tis Parmesan.

32

Sla. Or half a dozen botles of sowre cyder dasht with red wine, Editor’s Note33with labels of several French names sewd to the Corks.

34

Trim. Most excelent youths— aside

35

Sla. No Trim we will only do for thee. Women have seldom 36any thing from Jack and I but good words.

37

Vap. And those Mistress Finical shall alwaies receive and be 38laught at for her paines; but for honest Trim— {hugs him

Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus39

Trim. He shal be cousend. <aside>

40

Sla. Thou shalt Trim—let me see

41

Vap. Peace Tom, and let us for honest Trim outdoe expressions

42

Trim. Well Gentlemen, Ile step out and try what may be don.

43

Vap. Honest Trim I vow to Gad tis on thee we depend.

Critical Apparatus44

Trim. <aside.> Now a third pox (for they have had two already) 45mark these for extraordinary raskals—Ile keep my young Ladies 46from such Caterpillars— exit

47

Slan. Now Jack to our fortune, I fancy we look so sillily now 48we are going to court honest women.

49

Vap. Faith Tom, I must not fancy them honest; if I doe the Editor’s Note50divell a word I shall get out.

Editor’s Note51

Sla. Pish these countrey whitepots will so gape at fine words, 52and gay clothes; that we shall have no more trouble but when they 53make us low curtsies, to take 'em up and kiss 'em.

54

Vap. Nay Tom I think as for our persons—our mines—and

Editor’s NoteEnter Lucy and Kate with hoods over their faces.

Critical Apparatus55Slife Tom they come, but veild.

pg 273 56

Slan. No matter Jack for their faces, their estats are the beaut-57ies—at 'urn Jack.

58

Vap. Nay together Tom—Ladies I hope we shall not appeare 59rude.

60

Luc. You may chuse Gentlemen whether you will or no.

61

Vap. Bless us Ladies with a litle day light.

62

Kat. What d'yee mean?

63

Slan. Draw but those sable curtains.

64

Vap. Those envious clouds that hang upon your suns and make 65it night.

66

Luc. Why Gentlemen we have nothing rare to show

{pull up their hoods Editor’s NoteEnter Trim hastily and stops.
67

Vap. O miracle!

68

Slan. O Fate.

Critical Apparatus69

Trim. How is this—— over heares

70

Luc. What's the matter?

71

Kat. Some revelation sure.

72

Vap. The same Tom.

73

Slan. My heart misgave me Jack the very same.

74

Luc. Prithee lets steal away.

75

Slan. Ladies if you go, we dye—we had free hearts, till we saw 76you.

77

Kat. Saw us, where?

78

Vap. Alas! as you alighted from your coach.

79

Luc. Alighted from our coach.

80

Vap. Yes Madam as you alighted with your worthy father it 81seemd to us as if two deities had descended; no mortal ever 82appeard so divine.

83

Sla. Our passions urg'd us to gaze once more upon such more 84then charming objects.

85

Kat. What may this meane?

86

Luc. Sure they abuse us.

87

Vap. We beg Madam but the permission to breath our pas-88sions to you.

89

Slan. And to assure you, that though your fortune might tempt 90mean durty souls; we only dote upon your persons.

91

Luc. Our fortunes: you are pleasant Gentlemen; sure you 92presume upon your good clothes.

93

Kat. Or upon the fashion, to say nothing that's true.

pg 274 94

Vap. We beseech you Madam wrong not our sincer hearts.

95

Sla. We are persons that never professe any thing, but what is 96real.

97

Luc. And you have told us truth.

98

Vap. By all that's good, by your fair selves, and by our honor.

99

Trim. The least Oath of all— aside

100

Kat. You saw us light out of the Coach.

101

Sla. By all thats good we did, and beg permission to receive 102the same happines to see you often.

103

Luc. As much as you did then, t'were no reason to deny you.

104

Sla. You blesse us divine Ladies, wee'l retire, and ruminate on 105our unexpected captivity, least we appear guilty of ill manners, by 106pressing at first time too much upon your gentlenes.

107

Vap. Pitty our flames you faire Divinities and let 'em not con-108sume hearts that adore you; We humbly take our leaves least we 109should add to the trouble of your journy, and kisse your hands 110fair Goddesses.

111

Sla. Most divine Ladies.

Editor’s Note112

Vap. S'life they are gon Tom, poor love-sick fools.

Editor’s Note113

Sla. Lets retire Jack with dying eyes—and thus chaldese 'em

{exeunt making faces. Trim peeps after them.
114

Luc. What may this frippery mean—our fortune might tempt 115meane durty souls, sure they meant old rasors, and washbals.

116

Kat. And talkt of our journey, and lighting out of a coach; they 117are a very impudent sort of Lyars.

Enter Trim
118

Luc. See my father—did you not meet two fine puppets Sir.

119

Trim. Yes, and know the mistake; they took you two for Sir 120Richard Plainbred's daughters—I could fit these hot lovers—but Critical Apparatus121I am a rogue if I would throw any thing upon 'em but cast 122whores.

123

Luc. If I mistake not, these kind of Gentlemen make no more 124of what they say, then of a tradesman bill, never examine either.

Editor’s Note125

Kate. I believe they are all slime within like snailes in painted 126shells.

127

Trim. They owe me money, and pay me with nothing but lyes.

Enter Sir Cautious Trouble-all and Sir Gravity Empty.

pg 275128Sir Cautious Trouble all, and Sir Gravity Empty—wou'd these 129would mistake so—they look this way—Girles pull up your coun-130tenances, be grave, and seem what the others took you for—obay— 131while I pay reverence to your Ladyships—they eye them still

Editor’s Note{Trim makes legs to them.
132

Caut. These are the Ladies certainly—Whist Mr Trim—are 133these—

Editor’s Note134

Trim. These are they Sir—advance

135

Caut. You must present us Trim.

136

Emp. By all means present us.

Editor’s Note137

Trim. Ladies here are two honorable persons rich merchants 138that desire to kisse your hands; you must know 'em by fame, when 139I tell you this is Sir Cautious Trouble-all, and this Sir Gravity 140Empty, men of parts, and buisnes.—Dispatch. Mr Vapor and 141Mr Slander have bin here.

142

Caut. Enough, we are warnd—Ladies, though affairs are ur-143gent for dispatch, they must give way to our expressing our selvs 144your admirers.

145

Empt. Yes Ladyes, affairs must stay.

146

Luc. We are obliged to your honors.

147

Empt. We imagind you must needs understand matters right; 148for buisnes being a weighty matter, and for all that, let it be as it 149will, we let you perceive that it must be, as it may be.

150

Caut. Ladies you shall find our services real, and it may be use-151full without many words.

152

Empt. Nay that's true, few words are best.

153

Kat. You counsell well Sir.

154

Caut. For counsell you shall not want it, and in the first place 155have a care of your Landlady.

156

Luc. Why Sir?

157

Empt. Why the reason is plain, I say as Sir Cautious said, have 158a care of your Landlady by all means.

159

Caut. Ladies she is a woman of contrivances.

160

Emp. That is of tricks.

161

Kat. A most admirable explanation.

162

Caut. And of small credit with her neighbors

163

Empt. Of litle or none at all.

164

Caut. She's a seller

165

Emp. Yes she is one that sells.

166

Luc. What Sir?

167

Emp. Sir Cautious, Lady, can tell you, as he was saying.

pg 276 168

Caut. Yes Ladies, she sels other peoples credits.

169

Luc. She is a dangerous woman it seems.

170

Caut. Tis not wise to trust her.

171

Emp. By no means, as Sir Cautious wisely intimates

172

Luc. S'life Kate these are Scoolmasters instead of lovers.

173

Kat. As I live, I am afraid of correction.

174

Caut. You may see, Ladies, our concern for your good.

175

Emp. That you may easily; for we intending that your concerns 176shal be our concerns, and so of consequence our concerns must 177be your concerns, that matters may be in the way of prudential in-178trigues.

Enter Isabella and Philadelphia.
179

Trim. How now young Ladies—what shall I do, {steps to them 180Ladies come own your selvs my daughters, or poor Trims hopes are 181fled

Editor’s Note182

Caut. What are these Ladies?

183

Trim. An't please your honors they are my daughters, come to 184see their neighbor Mistress Finicall.

185

Caut. Sir Gravity, they must not visit uninstructed.

186

Emp. No, by no means without instruction.

Editor’s Note187

Caut. For here may grow a Caball.

188

Emp. A thousand to one else.

Critical Apparatus189

Caut. Gentlewomen we perceive you are daughters to Mr Trim.

190

Isa. Who are these?

191

Trim. I have undon all— aside.

192

Caut. And we are friends to Mr Trim.

193

Emp. Yes, Ladies friends to Mr Trim, as Sir Cautious mature-194ly states the question

195

Isa. It may be so; and what then?

196

Trim. Why will you undoe me? {steps to the ladies.

197

Caut. We therfore thought fit to advise you to have no intim-198acy with Mistress Finicall.

199

Empt. No intimacy by any means.

200

Trim. I must be bold and venture— aside

201

Caut. For as Sir Gravity advises, if you trust Mistress Finicall 202you will prejudice your own reputation.

203

Isa. You expect no fee.

204

Caut. How Mistress?

205

Kat. Nor you Sir, doe you?

206

Emp. Why truly, Ladies, as for my part, as to the point of 207expectation, let it be more, or lesse, prudence must govern.

pg 277 208

Trim. Nay, nay Girles their honours give good advise

209

Isa. In pitty to our Father Trim we {aside and curtsy to him. 210forbeare

Editor’s Note211

Trim. Begon good Ladies or you will not long

212

Isa. We thank your honors for our good advise.

213

Phil. And hope we shall have the grace to remember.

214

Isa. Your servants, Ladies, wee'l wait upon you, when you are 215disingag'd from company exeunt Isabella, and Philadelphia.

216

Caut. Trim you put in seasonably, but you must carry a more 217severe hand over these wenches.

218

Emp. By all means Mr Trim, a more severe hand over these 219girles

220

Trim. I hope by time, and your honors advise I shall be able to 221manage an affaire—I'le follow them, and improve in them what 222has bin said—and give thanks for my deliverance. exit Trim

223

Luc. Now for us heires again.

224

Caut. Ladies, wee ask your pardon—somthing appertaining to 225your service cald us aside, Plots must be crosseplotted; mines 226countermind: I sow jealousie, and hinder all harvests, and by Editor’s NoteCritical Apparatus227several wayes I study all humours, and constitutions, the sanguine, 228the phlegmatique, the bold, the fearfull; the easy, the wilfull, the 229rash, the sober, the crafty, the foolish, the vaine, the proud, the 230ponderous, the prodigal, the plain, the dissembler; the true man 231and the lyar, and accordingly fit my designs and instruments.

232

Lu. To what end is all this?

Editor’s Note233

Caut. To make 'em all need me, and conjure power within my 234circle.

235

Emp. There's policie for you Ladies, on my conscience the best 236you ever heard.

Editor’s Note237

Kat. We admire Sir.

Editor’s Note238

Emp. Ne'r stirre, you may well enough.

239

Caut. Ladies I beg your pardon, I had almost forgot a neces-240sary matter—I hear you were waited on by one Mr Vapor, and 241one Slaunder—for I have intelligence of evry thing—Ladies, you 242doe not know 'em.

243

Empt. No Ladies, you are ignorant of them.

244

Luc. They are at their politiques again— aside.

245

Caut. Ladies it's true, they are of our acquaintance.

246

Emp. Yes we know 'em,—but pish—they are—

247

Caut. Ladies, as Sir Gravity was a saying.

248

Kat. Nothing.

249

Caut. They are shadows, mere trifles of men.

pg 278 250

Emp. Yes Ladies, shadows of men, that was it, I was going to 251have told you; I suppose you know what shadows are.

252

Luc. Are they such things?

253

Caut. They are mere dust stird by evry thing, and fowle every 254thing they light upon

255

Luc. But why doe your Honors allow such acquaintance?

256

Caut. Why as spyes, and informers.

257

Empt. No, no for nothing else Ladies but to bring newes, and 258intelligence of such things as may possibly come to passe.

259

Caut. But Ladies if you please to accept of our loves, and coun-260sels you shall want neither.

261

Emp. No Ladies, you shall have 'em both.

262

Luc. He takes his Cues singularly well— aside.

263

Kat. We must in spight of our blushes acknowlege an obliga-264tion to your honors.

265

Luc. And hence forward shall have a care of our conversation 266according to your honors directions

267

Caut. Sweet Ladies we doat on your prudence, as much as your 268beauties.

269

Emp. Every whit Ladies, for as to the point of prudence, we 270are usd to it.

271

Luc. Alas! I fear we are not worthy.

272

Caut. Nay I beseech you Ladies wrong not our jugements.

273

Emp. Ladies we are judicious, else the world mistakes that 274esteems us so.

275

Kat. We submit, as in prudence we ought.

276

Caut. Ladies our admiration is compleat—at this time wee'l 277take our leaves, and give you no further trouble, but beg leave to 278attend you often with our loves and counsels—so your servants 279Ladies

Editor’s Note280

Emp. I realy Ladies, your servants truly {exeunt ambo

Editor’s Note281

Luc. Was there ever such things; how true their names are, one 282troubles all things.

283

Kat. And the other like his name, as empty as an Eccho.

284

Luc. That Cautious is as malitious as a hurt titmouse, he snaps 285at every thing.

286

Kat. As I am a living woman my father will help us to the 287worst on't.

288

Luc. For my part, I had rather have an honest fellow, though Editor’s Note289he cryd smal coal, and I fain to wash him evry night, before he 290came to bed.

291

Kat. And good reason, for nothing can wash away their fouines.

pg 279Enter Trim hastily.
292

Trim. How now my Girles? what do the fish bite?

293

Luc. Yes most eagerly, but by my troth Sir I think they are 294hardly worth the pulling up.

295

Trim. Pish, hamper 'em I say, and then hold hook and line, Editor’s Note296and Trim is made for ever.

297

Luc. Troth Sir we had rather have plain honest men of our 298own size, honest Tradesmen, or Farmers that could but stuff us 299up with bacon and pudding.

300

Trim. No more I say, be obedient, we may be all advanc't, you 301both Ladies; and I for ought I know, more then I'le speak of.

302

Luc. Why father?

303

Trim. Why daughter, into the ladies, and be ruld—or—no 304more—so— exeunt Lucy and Kate

305Succesfull Trim hitherto as I may say; ha Trim thou maist live Editor’s Note306to leave waiting upon lowsy customers all Saturday night, and mow-307ing of bristly beards, that turn razors to hand sawes.

Enter Mistress Finical running.
308

Fin. Where, where where Mr Trim?

309

Trim. Here, here, here Mistress Finicall.

310

Fin. The Gentlemen I mean, the Ladies are coming.

311

Trim. And the Gentlemen are gon.

312

Fin. Gone.

313

Trim. Yes gone.

314

Fin. How gone?

315

Trim. How gone? why upon their legs; troth Mistress Finical I 316told the Gentlemen, that I thought you could not effect matters.

317

Fin. Did you so Mr Trim, you might have spard your opinion 318Mr Trim, and talkt of your own trade—gon—thus.

319

Trim. Goodnes, goodnes if you fume so, you will waste into 320exhalations.

Editor’s Note321

Fin. Shall I so Snapfinger, pray meddle no more with my 322matters.

323

Trim. But be advisd good Tinder.

324

Fin. Advise how to make cheating wash bals of nothing but 325soap and ashes—you advise a person that knowes how—

Editor’s Note326

Trim. To out scold Billingsgate Corporation.

Enter Worthy
327

Fin. Sirrah Shaver I'de have you know.

pg 280 328

Wor. How now Landlady instructing Trim in fury?

Editor’s Note329

Trim. O Sir take heed, she shoots case-shot at her next sput-330tering volley, tis ten to one but she hits you with a brace of teeth Editor’s Note331like a chain bullet.

332

Wor. By this light then she shall mumble pap the remaining 333part of her welbred days, come clear up this December weather, 334and dry thy twincklers.

335

Fin. Hands off you rude Countrey Bumkin.

Editor’s Note336

Wor. That sowre look of thine would turn milk beyond runnet 337come wipe &c

Editor’s Note338

Fin. Let me alone or Ile thrust my bodkin in your Chops.

Editor’s Note339

Trim. O good Sir, the moon's in Cancer, as an antient Poet 340observes, and she'l run horn mad.

341

Wort. Why what wind blew up this storme?

342

Trim. Why Sir here were two Gallants.

343

Fin. Hold thy tongue thou Varlet, or ile stop thy mouth with 344my glove {goes to stop his mouth with her glove.

345

Trim. Oh, oh help Mr Worthy oh, oh, she has {spits} almost Editor’s Note346poysond me with the ambergrease of her palmes.

347

Fin. He lyes basely upon my honor, smell Mr Worthy, they 348are as sweet as a nut.

349

Wort. Away with your staind sheepskin, and hear me and mark 350me; if you continue the trick of scolding, I'le take an old joynt Editor’s Note351stool, and fix it upon Trim's Pole, and thus compose a cucking Editor’s Note352stoole for thee, and baptize thee for a scold in kennell water.

353

Fin. I was never so uncivilly usd in all my life, I have livd in 354this street these ten years, and with credit, and regard among my 355neighbors; and to be thus flowted— {weeps.

356

Trim. She melts.

357

Wort. O the showre layes the storme, and I grow gratious; go Editor’s Note358in poor Landlady, and compose thy totterd pinner by thy broad 359brass andiron, for I broke thy fraile lookinglasse set in cedar, the 360last unhappy night, but I'le buy thee a better, my poor girle of 361forty and so all friends; go in—go in and drye those pearly drops

362

Fin. But to be so usd.

Editor’s Note363

Wort. No more, no more looshe, looshe exit Finical

364Why what the Divell inspird this Fury Trim.

365

Trim. On my conscience your worship is a very honest Gentle-366man.

367

Wor. Faith Trim as the world goes, I am so, so.

368

Trim. May I trust your Worship.

pg 281 369

Wort. That thou maist Trim.

370

Trim. And will you lend your helping hand.

371

Wort. If it be honest Trim.

372

Trim. Why then Sir the matter is Mistress Finical is ingag'd in 373assisting Mr Vapor and Mr Slander to help them to Sir Richards 374daughters.

375

Wort. How by this light I'le go drown the jade in one of her 376own washing tubs.

377

Trim. Nay good Sir have patience—These fierce gallants at 378their first entrance by good fortun met my daughters, and tak-379ing them for the young ladies, immediatly made an onset with a 380volley of oaths.

381

Wort. And thou wouldst continue the mistake, and drive it 382into matrimony.

383

Trim. No Sir, not to them, for truly I should count my 384wenches cast away upon 'em; but presently after in came others of 385more profound purses, Sir Cautious Trouble all and Sir Gravity 386Empty; and they fell upon the same mistake (with some small as-387sistance of mine) and courted my daughters with many good 388words of themselvs, and more ill ones of all others.

389

Wort. O, and these should be the parties—enough I have thee 390to a haire.

391

Trim. A very pretty conceit Sir considering my trade.

392

Wort. Well Trim, most happy notions, and contrivances begin 393to inspire thee—Thy daughters shall be the heires—and Mistress 394Finicals Galants shall be disposed of.

Enter Love-truth
Editor’s Note395

Lov. How now Worthy are our Lodgings hanted with ribbands?

396

Wort. I never heard of walking ribbands.

397

Love. Nay they were born about by a couple of images of men.

398

Trim. O Sir those were they.

399

Lov. I stayrd upon 'em, heard 'em tell 5 or 6 to their foot boyes, 400and came away.

401

Wor. Lyes to their foot boys.

402

Lov. Why they sent so many howd'yees to several persons, and 403to every one swore they were her servants before al the world.

404

Wort. And art thou disturbd at such misdemeanors?

405

Lov. Why I hate a lye naturally, and am disturbd at such 406things, as I am at spiders, and cobwebs, that they are not swept 407away, and make the nation a litle cleaner.

pg 282 408

Wort. Trim Lovetruth is an honest fellow, wee'l take him in to 409help contrive.

410

Trim. I commit myself wholy to your worship.

411

Wort. Lovetruth you must enter into a designe with Trim, and 412me concerning those fine rascals.

413

Lov. Enough, I am ready—but where are the Ladies Worthy?

414

Wort. S'life wel remembred, wee'l send Trim to entertain Sir 415Richard, and try for a look or two. D'hear Trim, find out Sir Editor’s Note416Richard, and entertain him a litle while with the praises of Queen 417Elizabeth, or deep mouthd hounds or fat lands, while we vent our 418working thoughts to the Ladies.

Critical Apparatus419

Trim. With utmost diligence. Exit

420

Wort. Now Lovetruth if we could but finish this adventure, 421and enter these castles of treasure.

422

Lov. To see the luck o'nt, that our first loves should be brought 423after us, tis a good omen.

424

Wort. The coach that brought them was an inchanted vessell Editor’s Note425directed by Organda the unknown—blesse my eysight, they come 426Lovetruth.

Enter Isabella and Philadelphia.
427

Lov. I had a pretty saying in my head, tis gon; how shall we 428begin after Madam?

429

Wort. Follow man, and I will lead the way to the breach; the 430boldest always enter—Save you Ladies, this is a happines above 431our merits.

432

Isa. Why truly if you speak as you think, you deserve very litle.

433

Lov. But we are willing to merit.

434

Phi. What Gentlemen?

435

Wort. Why you faire Ladies.

436

Isa. And what then?

437

Wort. Why we would have our deseres.

438

Isa. That is us, as you would have us understand.

439

Wort. Nay I think you knew that before.

440

Isa. Yes, I think you talkt some fustian stuff to me at my 441fathers house in the Countrey.

442

Phi. And this Gentleman mumbled over a few prayers to me.

443

Lov. And am as devout as ever.

Editor’s Note444

Phi. I warrant you have chang'd your religion twenty times since 445you came to London.

446

Isa. Sinners you are without question.

pg 283 447

Wo. Why forgive us, and take us into Paradise, and prevent 448our future transgressions.

449

Isa. And when you have us, then—

450

Wor. We are happy.

451

Isa. For a moneth.

452

Phi. Or till the first ill humour we shew.

453

Isa. Then if we kick the litle dog, we shal be cald froward.

454

Phi. Or if we laugh, wanton.

455

Isa. A lac't hankerchef will be thought profusenes.

456

Phi. And at last be turnd to look after the poultry in red morn-457ing wastcoats and petticoats.

458

Isa. And our Coach horses turnd to Plow.

459

Phi. And—

460

Wor. Hold, hold we desire to be heard a word for the Defend-461ants, we will grant a lease of love with honest and sufficient cov-462enants, which shal not expire till after our deaths.

463

Lov. We will never let you be out of humour.

464

Wo. For you shal never have so much time out of our arms.

465

Lo. We will keep you alwais pleasd.

Editor’s Note466

Wo. And be ourselvs as cheerful as larks in glasing mornings.

467

Lov. We wil save our Estais, and spend our revenues.

468

Wo. And leave posterity an easy example.

469

Lov. You shall always be obayd.

470

Wo. And your Commission shall not be taken from you after 471mariage, but always command in chief.

472

Lov. Go abroad when you please.

473

Wo. And we ask leave to ride with you in the Coach.

474

Isa. Enough, enough.

475

Wo. Nay these are joynt and several answers, we give em upon 476oath, and we hope the Court will judge 'em sufficient.

477

Lo. Peace man—Sir Richard as I live.

Enter Sir Richard Plainbred, Lucy and Kate, and Trim following at a litle distance scratching his head.
478

Wo. How this slave Trim has neglected his duty.

479

Sir Rich. Here Girles, here are Mr Trims daughters come to see 480you, and as fine as both their hands can make 'em.

481

Trim. I did what man could doe— aside to Worthy.

482

Wo. Rogue you should have hung about his legs.

483

Sir Ri. And how is't my good neighbors, shal we be merry this 484ev'ning?—ho—Trim call the boys exit Trim

pg 284

485I want breath in this town, it grows fusty for want of air, ha, 486neighbor that we might depart to our country peace.

Editor’s NoteEnter Trim and Boyes with their hats tuckt up.

487—here boys—how now with your hats tuckt up? what jumpt into 488the fashion before you are an houre old here; Down with 'em I 489say—Or—S'life your friends shall know you when they see you— 490here carry these notes, this to my counsell Mr Plodwell, and the 491other to Smithfield about my returns for money, and make hast 492back.

493

Boyes. I, we will Sir exeunt boys

Enter Mrs Finicall.
494

Fin. May it please you Sir Richard your Atturney waits you 495without.

496

Sir Ri. I go, I go, Gentlemen Ile be for you presently exit

497

Wo. Now the blessing upon my deare Landlady.

Editor’s Note498

Fin. Hands of, Sir Rude be in troth I am not so quickly 499friends.

500

Wo. Why so hot have you eaten onyon porridge to day.

501

Fin. I'de have you to know, my breath's as sweet as yours: I 502swear Ladies I have severe apprehensions that this boystrous 503Gentleman offends your modesties.

504

Isa. No Landlady he assaults none but yours.

505

Fin. But I shall preserve my chastity.

Editor’s Note506

Wo. From bore cats, and monkies.

507

Fin. I have had as good men as thy self present their addresses 508to me, and I would have thee to know

509

Wo. Trim carry the magpye to her cage, Trim away with her.

510

Fin. Let me alone Sirrah, or I'le

511

Trim. Nay Mistress Finicall but one word.

512

Lo. Trim away with her

513

Fin. I am abusd thus always Ladies.

514

Trim. But Mistress Finicall, Mr Vapor and Mr Slaunder have 515sent word they are coming, and if you should not be in the way, 516matters may go ill.

Critical Apparatus517

Fin. Uds my life I go, I go, your servant Ladies. <exit Finical>

518

Wo. After her Trim, and dam up the floud, that it overflow 519here no more, exit Trim

520now Ladies if you please to reply we'l rejoyne.

pg 285 521

Isa. And what then?

522

Wo. Proceed to tryal.

Editor’s Note523

Isa. You are too hasty for chancery suits, it is enough we have 524received your Depositions: come Mistress Lucy, and Mistress Kate 525I swear Mr Trim may be proud of two such pretty daughters.

526

Wo. Nay Madam you must needs stand for Esquire Trims 527daughters a litle while.

528

Isa. The meaning?

529

Wo. A designe we have, which you shall know within, as soon 530as Trim can get from his duty, tis honest, and you may be charit-531able.

532

Isa. When we deny such a thing we are neither.

533

Lo. Some pitty leave for us.

Wo. —unles you doubt us.

534

Isa. Perhaps you ask more, then we have about us.

Finis Actus secundi.

Notes Settings

Notes

Editor’s Note
7. Strapado. A form of torture in which the victim's hands were tied behind his back and he was hoisted by them on a pulley and let halfway down with a jerk.
Editor’s Note
10–11. Labyrinthious. A coined word evidently signifying surprise and confusion. Cf. Milton, 'Into perplexity and new amaze' (Paradise Regained, 1671, ii. 38).
Editor’s Note
16. litle Archer. Cupid.
Editor’s Note
18. tœdious. Tedious. The OED does not include this form of the word, but gives an example from 1663 under 'tedium': 'deceive the tædium of a winter night'. This is the sort of verbal ostentation for which Shadwell ridiculed Sir Robert Howard in The Sullen Lovers. Both here and at III. 81 we read 'tœdious' rather than 'tædious', but the latter is much the more common form, derived from the Latin 'taedium'.
Critical Apparatus
21 now] ~ now
Critical Apparatus
29 What] W
Editor’s Note
33. labels of several French names sewd to the Corks. Labels affixed to the bottle were a slightly later development. See Wine Labels: 1730–2003—A Worldwide History, ed. John Salter (London: Antique Collectors' Club, 2004).
Critical Apparatus
39 aside] eds.
Editor’s Note
39. cousend. Cheated. Cf. Howard and Dryden's The Indian-Queen, 'Be cousen'd by thy guilty honesty' (I. i. 110; Works, viii. 188).
Critical Apparatus
44 aside] eds.
Editor’s Note
50. divell a word … get out . The basic situation in Goldsmith's She Stoops to Conquer a century later.
Editor’s Note
51. whitepots. A custard or milk-pudding, made chiefly in Devonshire.
Editor’s Note
54.1. hoods. At this time women often wore hoods (rather than hats) as a means of keeping their head and shoulders warm and dry in bad weather. They were often attached to capes for travelling.
Critical Apparatus
55 Slife] Slifle
Editor’s Note
66.2. Enter Trim … and stops . Not a full entrance in view of the characters already on stage. Three lines later he is eavesdropping; at line 99 he has an aside; at 113.2 he 'peeps after' the fops when they leave.
Critical Apparatus
69 heares] hearers
Editor’s Note
112. are gon. Meaning 'far gone in love'. This speech and the next one are asides, since Kate and Lucy have not left the stage and are clearly not meant to hear these sentiments.
Editor’s Note
113. chaldese. To cheat or trick. The first example in the OED is from Butler's Hudibras (1664). Cf. 'Chaldeans' at III. i. 209.
Critical Apparatus
121–2 cast | whores] castwhores
Editor’s Note
125–6. snailes in painted shells. The expression 'painted Snails' is used of mercenary suitors in Killigrew's The Parsons Wedding, in Thomas Killigrew, Comedies and Tragedies (London, 1664), 149.
Editor’s Note
131.1. makes legs. 'To perform a bodily movement or gesture, e.g. one expressive of respect or of contempt'; in this case probably to 'make an obeisance, a salaam' (OED, 'make', v.i 57.c).
Editor’s Note
134. advance. Trim tells his daughters to come forward.
Editor’s Note
137. merchants. The application of this term to Sir Cautious and Sir Gravity is odd. In the finished form of the play they are definitely pretenders to government rather than mercantile 'business'. This reference might be a remnant of an earlier draft or alternatively a snide suggestion that they are wealthy cits pretending to parliamentary influence that they do not really possess. Behn uses the name 'Sir Cautious' for a city knight in The Luckey Chance (1686). We may wonder whether Howard designed them as cits and Buckingham then rejigged them as politicians.
Editor’s Note
182. What are these Ladies? Cautious is asking whether Isabella and Philadelphia are gentlewomen.
Editor’s Note
187. Caball. A clique or faction engaged in secret intrigue. This is not an allusion to 'the Cabal' (Clifford, Arlington, Buckingham, Ashley, and Lauderdale), the uneasy ministerial alliance that dominated Charles's government from roughly 1668 to 1673, on which see Maurice Lee, Jr., The Cabal.
Critical Apparatus
189 daughters] daugters
Editor’s Note
211. not long. The text appears to be corrupt here. The sense is that if Isabella and Philadelphia do not leave they will quickly betray their identity to Cautious and Trouble-all.
Critical Apparatus
227 constitutions] consti-|tutions
Editor’s Note
227. I study all humours. A joke: Sir Cautious is himself a 'humours' character, a butt in the Jonsonian tradition.
Editor’s Note
233–4. conjure power within my circle. This refers to magicians doing their conjuring within circles and (as Bernard Richards suggests) 'obliquely prefigures the table with a hole in it' displayed in Act III.
Editor’s Note
237. admire. Wonder, or are surprised. Empty's response indicates that he takes the word in its modern sense.
Editor’s Note
238. Ne'r stirre. A mild expletive. It is used six times in this play, twice by Empty and four times by Vapor and Slander. Harold Brooks suggested to Robert D. Hume that the phrase was earlier a Puritan asseveration or substitute for profanity, citing a verse from Alexander Brome: 'Gods nigs and ne'er stir, sir, has vanquished God damn me.' Two years later the phrase appears in Elizabeth Polwhele's comedy The Frolicks where two characters faced with a tavern reckoning respond as follows:
  • Sir Gregory. I never will be bailed so again.
  • Zany. Ne'er stir, if henceforth I do not … (III. 73–4)
Cf. also Rochester's 'To the Postboy', l. 15 (Works, 43).
Editor’s Note
280. ambo. The two (Latin).
Editor’s Note
281. how true their names are. With the exception of the four young women, all of the principals in this play have 'telling' names, whether positive (Worthy and Lovetruth) or descriptive (Trim and Sir Richard Plainbred) or derogatory (Mistress Finical, Vapor, Slander, and the pretentious men of business).
Editor’s Note
289. cryd smal coal. Charcoal or small pieces of coal, hawked in the streets of London for cooking and heating—obviously a very dirty occupation.
Editor’s Note
296. Trim is made for ever. Trim—though an ally of the heroes and heroines in the play—is satirized here. He is anxious to marry his daughters for his own advantage, and simply orders them to 'be obedient' in overriding Lucy's protest (ll. 297–300).
Editor’s Note
306. all Saturday night. So that customers would be clean-shaven for church the following day. Barbers could not work on the sabbath.
Editor’s Note
321. Snapfinger. A barber. Mrs Finical uses this expression again at IV. i. 52. Cf. Scoggin's Iestes (1616): 'they say in our country that he is a foole that cannot snap with his finger and thumbe … as Berbars vse to do with their hands when they wash a mans face' (F1r).
Editor’s Note
326. Billingsgate Corporation. A joking reference to the scurrilous, vituperative invective to be found in the famous Billingsgate Fish Market near Lower Thames Street—cf. 'speak like a fishwife'. A market was on the site by 1016, but it was not officially chartered as a fishmarket until a Parliamentary Act of 1698.
Editor’s Note
329. case-shot. 'A collection of small projectiles put up in cases to fire from a cannon; canister shot' (OED).
Editor’s Note
331. chain bullet. Better known as 'chain shot', linked projectiles used in naval warfare to destroy a ship's rigging.
Editor’s Note
336. runnet. Rennet; anything used to curdle milk.
Editor’s Note
338. Chops. Jaws.
Editor’s Note
339. moon's in Cancer … antient Poet . The conjunction of the moon, Saturn, and Jupiter in May 1385 bringing a great downpour of rain. See Chaucer's Troilus and Criseyde, iii. 624–5: 'The bente moone with hire homes pale, / Saturne, and Jove, in Cancro joyned were.'
Editor’s Note
346. ambergrease. Ambergris. 'A wax-like substance of marbled ashy colour, found floating in tropical seas, and as a morbid secretion in the intestines of the sperm-whale. It is odoriferous and used in perfumery' (OED).
Editor’s Note
351–2. cucking stoole. A chair to which a person was bound when being punished by 'ducking'. The OED gives an example from 1633: 'committed … to be duck'd in a Cucking-Stool at Holborn Dike'.
Editor’s Note
352. kennell water. Liquid waste from the central gutter of a city street. Cf. I. i. 393 and note above.
Editor’s Note
358. totterd. Bernard Richards suggests plausibly that what is meant is not OED 1 (tattered) but rather OED 2, 'in a tottering condition'. Mrs Finical has wept so copiously that her starched pinner has gone limp and soggy, and hence needs to be restarched and ironed.
Editor’s Note
363. looshe. A variant of the colloquial expression lush, lusche, lousche, etc. To run or dash. Delivered here as an imperative, it is equivalent to the modern 'scoot!' or 'scram!'
Editor’s Note
395. hanted. Haunted.
Editor’s Note
416–17. praises of Queen Elizabeth, or deep mouthd hounds. Exemplary figure though Sir Richard is, his enthusiasm for Old England and country pursuits is being teased here. Buckingham was himself, of course, a great hunter, and a fanatical enthusiast for hunting dogs.
Critical Apparatus
419 utmost] ut most
Editor’s Note
425. Organda. Urganda la Desconocida, a fairy in the romance Amadis de Gaule.
Editor’s Note
444. chang'd your religion. Found a series of different women attractive.
Editor’s Note
466. glasing. Perhaps mornings glazed by frost or by the sun on dew.
Editor’s Note
486.1. hats tuckt up. This refers to a change in haberdashery fashions. After 1660, brims became wider and were turned up at the sides—an innovation that evidently offends Sir Richard. For illustrations, see R. Turner Wilcox, The Mode in Hats and Headdress (New York: Scribner's, 1948).
Editor’s Note
498. Sir Rude be. Rudesby, as in Twelfe Night, line 1916: 'Rudesbey be gone' (IV. i).
Editor’s Note
506. bore cats. Archaic form of 'tomcat'.
Critical Apparatus
517 exit Finical] eds.
Editor’s Note
523. too hasty for chancery suits. The longueurs and inefficiency of the Court of Chancery were notorious two centuries before Dickens ridiculed them in Bleak House. Isabella is saying that they will sit indefinitely on Worthy and Lovetruth's 'Depositions' before arriving at any decision.
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